So last night as I am walking up my cellar stairs into my kitchen. I am feeling angry, defeated and depressed after not doing well on my recent test for my health coaching certification.
My spirit is crushed and old habits of self defeating thoughts come into my head; “you are a failure Kim, you will never be a health coach and just stick with a job that is safe and has a guaranteed income. Just forget all those dreams Kim.”
As my foot reaches the top of the stairs into my kitchen, I see it; a big bowl of brightly colored orange and red candy sitting on my kitchen table. The orange of the Reese’s peanut butter cups catch my eye. It was my fault for it being there; I brought some leftover candy from work for my son.
A momentary lack of willpower does me in; and I quickly open up the first package of KitKat. The smell of the chocolate is so sweet and I crunch down hard on that first piece; releasing all my anger and frustration that has filled me up within the last 5 minutes. The taste of the chocolate is so comforting and I momentarily forget about my recent failure.
But, my logical mind says “Kim don’t eat anymore.” But my depressed and angry emotions override my knowingness to stop after one piece. I reach down into the candy dish and eat another piece of candy, and another then another 12 more.
Finally I stop eating the chocolate when I feel nauseated and just can’t eat one more piece.
This morning looking back at this eating episode I had some revelations. I realize just how much my new coaching career means to me and I was just trying to comfort myself from a big disappointment. Did eating all that candy help me in the long run and help me keep my life going in a positive direction? Hell no!!! It just helped my blood sugar drop later in the evening and make me even hungrier so my blood sugar would come back up. It put me into a tailspin for the rest of the night. I overate for the rest of last evening and my mood sucked. I felt like even more of a failure now, failing my test and failing at resisting the candy.
Looking back now; I really needed to provide myself comfort in another way that would not hurt my health. A nice hot cup of tea or a hot shower would have been more beneficial to my body soul than a bunch of candy.
So, today I have a choice to make: Do I continue to eat more candy and stuff down my feelings and feel bad about last night? Do I make myself out to be a failure? Do I just forget about my hopes and dreams of losing more weight and helping people do the same? Do I want to feel crappy, tired, angry and constantly putting myself down? Do I want my old life back?
Hell no!!!! I love myself and I have to understand and expect I will have times when my emotions get the best of me and I revert back to old habits. But, this is where the cycle of hating myself because of messing up ends.
We all have choices, we are the maker of our own lives, dreams and reality. I know what I want my life to look like and I will get right back up and look ahead to my dream of helping myself and other women lose weight and end the cycle of emotional eating.