As I was Getting dressed yesterday in my bedroom in front of my mirror, it happened;
My jean shorts were snug around the belly.
All the old tapes played in my head; I am so bloated, I am so big, I hate how these shorts fit, look at my belly hanging out, gross.
I looked at my legs (which I have always hated BTW), they are full of bumps and bulges, my knees are big and filled with arthritis.
Yesterday was a 'bad body day' for sure.
But, a little voice in the back of my head reared it's voice; it was a new voice. A voice coming from what I have learned since discovering Intuitive Eating a couple of years back; it was a voice of self-compassion.
Just a few years back, I would have stewed and ruminated on the fact that these shorts were too tight because I could not eat "right" or I "was not strong enough to stick to a diet and I will be a failure forever and be fat forever."
Boy, what terrible messages I was sending to myself. But, I did it all the time.
So, yesterday when the self-compassionate Kim came along, she said: " Well, Kim you are about to get your period, you usually gain around 5 pounds of water weight, you are very emotional too right now, and you hate jeans anyways, why did you buy these jean shorts?, be gentle and kind with yourself Kim."
Sometimes, when I am having those 'bad body days', which BTW most everyone will have now and then, I feel like a real fraud.
My mission in my business and my heart is to help women feel good about their bodies. How can I give women that message, if I can't even love my own body?
Here is where self-compassion comes in again. On a lot of days I do not love my body, and that is totally normal. I have been trying to change my body for 35 years. Now, I can't just one day fall magically in love with my body, maybe some women can and the more power towards them.
But, most days I can accept my body and how strong it is and how it helps me live. I can treat it with respect and kind thoughts. I move it joyfully and feed it well. I can concentrate on my muscular legs and arms ( the muscles are there below all of the jiggly skin, trust me.)
This body love thing is not an instant miracle, I wish it was, trust me. It is a lifelong journey that I am travelling and hopefully bring other women along on the journey. with me.
I think I am in a unique position to help women improve their relationship with food and with their bodies; because I am in the same struggle. I have made great strides in my attitudes about my body and hope to help other women with what has worked for me.
Today I a better body day. my mood is still off though, but I and am being kind and gentle with this glorious body that I have been given. I exercised, fed it well and am getting ready for my yoga class tonigh.
I have heard in order to help people you just have to be one step ahead of them. Most days, I am and some days, I can learn from others.
But, I know now that I am enough right now and you are too.